Okay, I'm going to get right to it. I'm thinking about giving my cats away...for good.
Some times I just hate being an adult. It seems like the older we get the more our decisions are not black and white but infinite shades of gray, where none of them feel really right and good.
I don't like the idea of giving away my cats. I have taken care of since they were kittens. But my other options suck too. 1) come home in a bad economy to try to find a job in a field I'm not yet prepared to enter and find an apartment without even knowing where I really want to live. The problem with having lived in Chile is that my world has opened so wide that now I'm not sure how to transition to that stable life I had...and whether I even want it. 2) put them on a plane and subject them to the cargo hold for countless hours...twice and I'm not even sure I'm staying in this house...or even in Chile for long... 3) Find temporary housing for them or pay a fortune to a business that takes care of cats--$30/day for one cat I think.
When my parents suggested I possibly give them away, I cried. I have felt like such an asshole all day--mainly because I was relieved that it might be an option. That I wouldn't be a social leper for considering it as an option. It had crossed my mind more than once that I like not having a lot of responsibility. I like not having to take care of anyone. And if I do give them away, will I feel guilty for the rest of my life for abandoning them?
I can't decide whether I'm being selfish for wanting my freedom, for wanting more time to figure out how to make writing a career, to establish myself here, where I don't have to earn such a large amount of money to live or if I'm being responsible for beginning to recognize that my lifestyle doesn't really fit with having cats (and don't even get me started on my dog...I can't even think about that right now...). Perhaps I am both responsible and selfish.
I never thought I'd be the type of person who would give away my cats...in fact I remember being horrified by a story about a woman who after 8 years with a cat gave the cat away when she realized her soon-to-be husband was allergic. How could you possibly give a cat away? And here I am, contemplating giving away two.
The only way I can even remotely feel good about this is if a friend, a family member, someone I knew would take them.
So, I sincerely hope someone reads this blog and can offer me advice or my cats a permanent home...or a temporary one...or a suggestion I haven't thought of...
Please...someone's gotta have a good idea out there somewhere...